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When Family Becomes the Problem: Navigating Family Conflict in Your Marriage

  • By Nancy Nzioki | Lead Psychologist Mombasa
When Family Becomes the Problem: Navigating Family Conflict in Your Marriage

In Kenya, family is at the very core of our lives. But what happens when the very people you love and cherish become a source of conflict in your marriage? Whether it’s an overbearing in-law, a demanding relative, or financial pressure from family members, external conflict can create immense tension and division between a husband and wife.

You are a team, and when your marriage is under pressure from outside forces, it’s vital to stand together. Learning to set boundaries and support each other is crucial to protecting your relationship.

How Family Conflict Can Weaken Your Bond

When a family issue arises, it often becomes an internal problem for the couple. Instead of facing the external issue together, partners might:

  • Feel Unfairly Pulled: One partner may feel torn between their family of origin and their spouse, leading to resentment from both sides.
  • Resent Their Spouse: You might become angry with your partner for not standing up to their family, even though the problem isn’t their fault.
  • Keep Secrets: One partner might hide information or lie to avoid an argument, which erodes trust and intimacy.
  • Take It Personally: Criticism from a relative can feel like a direct attack on your marriage, and if you don’t face it together, it can lead to internal blame.

Signs You Need to Set Stronger Boundaries

It’s time to take action when you notice these signs:

  • You and your spouse constantly argue after family gatherings.
  • You feel pressured to make decisions based on family expectations, not what’s best for your marriage.
  • You or your partner regularly vent about a family member to friends or colleagues instead of to each other.
  • You have to lie or make excuses to your family to protect your marriage.

Actionable Steps for a United Front

You and your spouse are a unit. The key to navigating family conflict is to always present a united front.

  • Open the Conversation: Talk to your partner about how you feel when these issues come up. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming them.
  • Define Your Boundaries Together: As a team, decide what is and is not acceptable. For example, you may agree that you will not discuss your personal finances with family members.
  • Practice a “We” Mentality: When talking to family, always use “we” language. For example, “We’ve decided that…” or “Our plan is…” This shows that you are a united front and leaves no room for division.
  • Support Each Other Publicly: In front of family, always back up your partner, even if you disagree privately. You can have the private conversation later.

How Couples Counseling Helps You Win the Battle

Navigating family conflict can be one of the most difficult challenges a couple faces. A couples counselor can be an invaluable guide, providing a neutral space to help you:

  • Develop a Strategy: A therapist can help you create a clear, step-by-step plan for addressing specific family issues together.
  • Improve Communication: You’ll learn how to talk about these stressful topics without it turning into an argument between the two of you.
  • Strengthen Your Bond: By facing an external problem as a team, you will strengthen your bond and build a deeper sense of trust and unity.

If family conflict is putting a strain on your relationship, know that you don’t have to face it alone. To learn how to build a stronger, more united marriage, visit our Couples Counseling page.

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